Narcissists are undecided
Empty promises and unfulfilled needs in love relationships
Can empty promises make you happy?
"The worst decision is indecision." Empty promises are the height of indecision.
In my posts about future faking and future faking in affairs you have already learned a lot about the fact that empty promises are aimed at maintaining the interpersonal relationship with you. To be maintained in a way that is useful to the other. This delaying tactic in the form of empty promises primarily serves to stabilize the diffuse emotional state of your partner. By being there in his life, you contribute to his well-being. "It's just nice to know that you exist. " There's nothing wrong with that yet, but what about you? What about your desires, your values and your needs in this relationship?
Can the empty promises make you happy?
The central question that you have to ask yourself in this constellation is simple: Are you happy? I don't mean the brief moments of happiness in which you are currently with him or when he has just managed to plant a hopeful fantasy about your happy future in your head through empty promises. „Berlin currywurst only at midnight at our wedding ... so which cuisine do you prefer? " I ask you: Are you happy?
How are you in contact with this person?
- Does the person you love involve you in their life and future plans in the way you want them to?
- Are you getting the tender and loving care you need to be happy?
- Does he show you his love by giving you a little joy without being asked or by surprising you?
- Does he ask you how you are and whether he can support you?
- Do you feel safe and strengthened in life through him?
- Are you happy most of the day or are your thoughts looping around him?
How empty promises manipulate you
Empty promises and so-called love crumbs are a strategy to help you bond with this person. As long as you are busy with him in your head, you will not seriously go looking for a new partner. You feel bound and committed. You would even find it a betrayal of him if you got involved with another man now. After all, you already have plans for life together and you would never jeopardize the promised wedding ...
How do you recognize this love crumb tactic?
- Most of your communication takes place via SMS, email or WhatsApp.
- The flowery words are not followed by actions.
- Appointments are promised, but without a specific date.
- Appointments are canceled at short notice and with no alternative.
- He will contact you spontaneously and await your immediate availability.
- If you want to "nail" him on his promises it was all joke or a misunderstanding.
- He deliberately holds back, especially on days like birthdays, Christmas or Valentine's Day.
- You know little about him in general.
- He's keeping a secret for his life.
- If you ask specifically, he'll quickly think you're a stalker.
- He never invites you to his home.
- He tells you about his own great experiences, but without expressing the desire to have you there.
- He raves about how nice it would be to be with you now. However, always when he is not in the same city.
- The contact becomes less and less intense over time.
- He avoids conversations, especially those in which you want to discuss the status of your relationship.
How can you still recognize empty promises?
If you come across the following formulations quite often in your communication, then mindfulness is required:
- If then …
- First ..., then ...
- Would, could, would, maybe, if it fits, see you soon, see you very soon
- Would have
With these words sentences are formed which are all hypothetical in nature. "Honey, we could but go to a lonely hut for 14 days and write down our story. " Unfortunately, the entire annual vacation is already planned elsewhere.
However, only the present moment is decisive for you. Is this person by your side now or is it not? Many people go through life and say to themselves: "When I retire, I will ...". The truth is that these people live with an illusion of their future. Nobody can predict whether he will even reach retirement, whether he will then still be healthy and have the money to make his old dreams a reality.
The bitter truth
Please do not get me wrong at this point: We all occasionally tend to dream and paint our future world in bright colors. That is normal. What would life be without our dreams? However, if it happens excessively and words are not followed by action, then it is time to face reality: The man of your dreams has no serious interest in getting to know you better and entering into a committed partnership with you.
Why do people invest their time and energy to give you hope with empty promises?
In my article on Future Faking, I discussed some of the causes and motivations. If you haven't read the article yet, I'll link the article to you here.
The fact is, these people prefer to live out their dreams in their imaginations rather than in reality. For whatever reason. Basically you don't have to care. Of course you can deal with it for years and research the causes, but it will not change the situation for you. It is like it is.
Why is it so difficult for you to let go of this person?
In this unhealthy game, an emotional roller coaster develops. You are constantly torn between hope and fear. On the one hand, your contact will be maintained and your hope will be fired with appetizers. "When I'm back from a business trip, then ..." On the other hand, you feel that your relationship is not developing any further, even though he keeps signaling it. This creates an ambivalence that is completely confusing for your psyche. Your feeling tells you very clearly: Something is wrong! But you just can't let it be good.
The reason for this is that there are biochemical processes going on in your body. In the rollercoaster of emotions, hormones are released via neurotransmitters, which cause you to develop a so-called love addiction. Without you wanting it, you develop addictive behavioras can also be found with regular consumption of drugs and alcohol.
The couple therapist Christian Hemschemeier describes an experiment with mice very vividly in his book "The Love Code: Relationships of Tomorrow". "The reason for this lies in learning psychology, among other things. When mice have to press a button to get food, they learn this behavior very quickly and take what they need. If food is no longer available, leave the button alone. But when food is laid out completely unpredictably and sometimes, and rarely, the mice are downright obsessed with pressing the button and practically do nothing else. So the poor mice go nuts. For you it means that you become deeply insecure over time due to the unstable and ambivalent behavior of your partner. You are constantly thinking about your partner, you experience an extremely painful miss, you keep putting your needs on the back burner and you get to the point where you completely question the meaning of your life.
What can you do to turn your life around?
In severe cases, you will not be able to do without therapeutic help. The fact that you got caught in this unhealthy relationship dynamic also has to do with you.
An outside partner only ever serves as a mirror. The person we resonate with fits us in a certain way. He also carries a package with him that fits our own life story. Old patterns from childhood, an unconscious fear of being too close, a lack of love when you were a child, and a lack of self-esteem can all be a cause.
Your most important task now is to recognize your own worth, to feel it again and then to stand up for your values.
Only when you have recognized your own worth and defined your values will you be able to leave this unhealthy dynamic. You will create a life that is geared towards your own needs and desires. As a consequence, there will only be room in your future life for people who share your values and who treat you with respect, appreciation and equality. One day you will look back liberated and ask yourself: How could I let this happen for so long? Empty promises are history once and for all.
Sincerely, your Andrea
What did you learn about empty promises in this post?
If life sends you someone who makes you empty promises and you fall for it, this is your chance for personal growth. The situation will help you recognize your own worth and define your own values. Once you have recognized it, you will no longer allow a new partner to shake it.
You can find more tips for effectively mastering emotional crises in my new book, the Crisis Counselor. You can find the book directly on Amazon by clicking on the picture or this link and in stores everywhere.
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