What's your best sentence in the cockpit

Jokes - Pilots & Air Traffic Controllers

The jobs of air traffic controllers and flight captains are per se some of the most stressful jobs that professional life has to offer. And yet, in addition to the complicated technology, the responsibility for people and machines, and the decisions made every second, there is still space for humor.
Here, captured from the vastness of the ether, are the best Pilot jokes and the funniest conversations between cockpit and Tower, as so-called Air traffic controller jokes.

A small but fine collection of short and funny jokes about pilots, flight experiences, ground crew, air traffic controllers and airplanes, all in all: the best Aviator jokes in the web.

 

Pilot jokes

The heroes of the skies not only bring holidaymakers who love to travel to their vacation homes, but also tend to have a dreamy life.
Take off the plane, drink coffee for hours, land the plane. Then comes the stay in an exotic city, and finally there are the charming stewardesses. Almost like in paradise ;-).
These clichés provide the material for a multitude of Pilot jokeswhich, however, are more often than not unrealistic.

Side effects

Tower: "To avoid noise, please swivel 45 degrees to the right."
Pilot: "What kind of noise can we make at 35,000 feet?"
Tower: "The noise if your 707 collides with the 727 in front of you!"

Logical conclusion

Air traffic controller: "Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?"
Pilot: "An A 340 of course!"
Air traffic controller: "Would you please also put the other two engines into operation before take-off?"

Ambiguous

Pilot: "There's a landing light on."
Air traffic controller: "I hope there are several on fire."
Pilot: "I mean, it smokes."

Frame of reference

Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1.80 m and sit in the front left."

Logical 'or'

Tower: "Do you have enough fuel or not?"
Pilot: "Yes."
Tower: "Yeah what?"
Pilot: "Yes sir !!!"

Position is relative

Pilot: "F LX 30, control room, please come, we only have a few liters of fuel left. Please give instructions!"
Air traffic controller: "Please give us your position, we don't have you on our radar screen ...!"
Pilot: "We're on runway 2 and want to know when the tanker is coming.

The end

Pilot: "We are 1000 km away from the coast and we don't have a drop of fuel left in the tank. What should we do?"
Air traffic controller: "Please repeat after me: Our father who you are ..."

Lifeboat

The pilot speaks to the passengers: «Dear passengers! On the right you can see a burning wing, on the lower left an island and next to it a small point: This is the lifeboat from which I am speaking to you ... »

Career aspiration

A five-year-old boy comes into the aircraft cockpit, sits down and watches. Time flies. The captain adjusts his sunglasses. Time flies. Ten minutes later, the captain asks the little boy: "Well, little one, do you want to be a pilot too?"
The boy replies: "No, not me, but my brother - the lazy pig ...

Problems

Tower: "Are you having problems?"
Pilot: "Lost my compass."
Tower: "The way you fly, you've lost all your instruments."

In time

The passenger to the taxi driver: «Hurry to the airport, please! I absolutely have to get to the eight o'clock plane to London! "
The taxi driver sullenly: "It won't work, it's always on time."
"Not today. I am the pilot! "

propeller

One definition: the propeller is simply a large fan on the front of the aircraft that is used to cool the pilot.
If he stops, you can literally watch the pilot work up a sweat.

First class

A blonde sits on the plane after new York in the first class. But she only has one ticket for the tourist class. The stewart tries to ask her out, but she doesn't go. The stewardess tries again, but to no avail. She tells the pilot. He goes to her and whispers something in the blonde's ear. She gets up immediately and leaves first class. "What did you tell her?" The others ask curiously.
The pilot: "I just told her that first class was going to London."

Limits

Helicopter instructor to trainee pilot: "Make sure you stay within the concrete area."
A few minutes later: "Oh what, at least stay within the borders of the FRG!"

alcohol

Why is a whiskey bottle square?
So that it doesn't roll out of the cockpit when it takes off.

permission

Pilot: "Cologne-Bonn-Tower, this is flight Lufthansa 1234. Are you requesting taxi permission to Munich?
Air traffic controller: "Lufthansa 1234, Roger. Permission to taxi to Munich granted. Please report when you pass the main gate!"

landing

Tower to a pilot who touched down particularly hard: "A landing shouldn't be a secret. The passengers should know when they're down."
Pilot: "Never mind. They always clap anyway."

Flight plan

Pilot: "Request permission to take off."
Tower: "Sorry, we don't have your flight plan. Where are you going?"
Pilot: "Like every Monday to Munich."
Tower: "What? Today is Monday? Then it's free."

tax

Tower to private pilots: "Who is everything on board?"
Pilot: "Pilot, two passengers and a cat."
Tower, after the plane landed hard: "I assume the cat was behind the wheel?"

safety instructions

Stewardess with assertiveness - lady cracker

Air traffic controller jokes

Air traffic controllers and pilots are at war with each other, even if they both have a penchant for strikes. Hence are Jokes about air traffic controllers very popular with pilots.
Here there are the strangest radio messages between pilots and their counterpart, the air traffic controller sitting in the tower. Some of them actually took place in this way, because conversations between air traffic controllers and pilots are recorded in the tower.
It is expressly pointed out that this page takes no responsibility for certain expressions and that these are jokes.

taxi

Air traffic controller: "After landing, please go to Taxiway Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2."
Pilot: "Where is that? We don't know our way around here."
Air traffic controller: "Never mind. I've only been here two days."

Gate

Pilot: "Isn't there a follow-me car here?"
Tower: "Negative. Watch them get to the gate by yourself."

arrival time

Air traffic controller: "Please give us the expected time of arrival."
Pilot: "Hmmmm ... Tuesday would suit me well."

delay

Pilot: "Good morning Frankfurt ground control, Lufthansa 242 asks for permission to take off."
Tower: "Lufthansa 242, unfortunately expected start in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours late?"
Tower: "Correct."
Pilot: "In that case, delete the 'good morning'!"

Stop position

Air traffic controller: "Alitalia, drive over Tango at taxi stop 26 South and watch out for the workers on the taxiway."
Pilot: "Roger, we took care of the workers. Everyone is at work."

traffic

Air traffic controller: "Delta 645, you have traffic at 10 o'clock in 3 kilometers."
Pilot: "Give us another tip, we have digital watches."

approach

Air traffic controller: "Are you familiar with the approach procedure?"
Pilot: "Sure! What do you want to know?"

node

Tower (Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce it to 170 knots"
Pilot: "It's like in Frankfurt. There are only 210 and 170 knots ... But we are flexible."
Tower: "So do we. Reduce it to 173 knots."

Bratislava

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo ILS 16"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, good afternoon, runway 16 is free, the wind is calm and by the way, this is the Vienna Tower."
Pilot: "Please confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "Believe me: this is Vienna"
Pilot: "Why Vienna? Why? We want to go to Bratislava and not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Roger. Cancel the approach, turn left and climb to 1500 meters - to Bratislava."

Aviator sayings

Every take-off is voluntary, every landing is a must!

Flying is not dangerous, but falling is dangerous.

It is better if you are standing below and would like to be above than the other way around.

You never run out of fuel unless you are on fire.

A good landing is one that you can walk away from afterwards. A fantastic landing is one where the plane can be used all over again.

A good plane has as many take-offs as it does landings.

Gravitation is not just an idea, it is a law. Don't try to discuss them away.

Airplane jokes

Laptop countdown

If someone is sitting next to you on the train or plane and is annoying you: Open your laptop, breathe loudly and deeply, check whether the neighbors are looking, clicking, closing your eyes and enjoying:

  1. Open your laptop bag calmly and calmly.
  2. Take out your laptop.
  3. Turn it on.
  4. Make sure the annoying person can see your screen.
  5. Make sure that your browser works in full screen mode (key F11 switches between normal view and full screen mode).
  6. Close your eyes and lift your head to the sky with a solemn expression on your face.
  7. Then start this video in full screen mode, and don't forget to turn on the sound, it's worth it:

 

Warning (Do not try this): this is a purely fictional & satirical instruction manual, which must never be put into practice, not even during the security check at the airport !!

At a tiny airport ...

... an airplane is about to take off in an exotic country. The passengers heard the pilot shouting with mixed feelings: "I won't fly with the damned box if the engine is not replaced!"
The plane takes off after a quarter of an hour.
"What, was the engine replaced so quickly?" a passenger asks the stewardess.
"Not the engine - but the pilot ..."

Smoker

Air Berlin flight from Munich to Berlin, announcement by the crew: “We would like to point out that this is a non-smoking flight. For the smokers among you, we will open our terraces to the left and right and show the film `Gone with the Wind` there."

Supersonic

"How do you conclude that the plane you took to Paris was going faster than sound?"
"Because the stewardess slapped me in the face before I had even said anything!"

Aviator ...

Aviators, say hello to the sun
say hi to the stars
and say hello to the moon.
Your life,
that is a levitation
through the distance,
that nobody lives in!

Refrain of the song "Flieger grüß mir die Sonne" (1980) by the German rock band Extrabreit.

coffee

The flight captain makes his announcement and then forgets to turn off the microphone. "Now I'll have a coffee first, and then I'll eat the new stewardess." The passengers naturally overhear everything. The stewardess runs towards the cockpit when an elderly lady says: "You don't have to hurry, he wanted to have a coffee first."

Menu

In a first class airplane. The cannibal chief hands the stewardess the menu back and says: “No, that's not for me, bring me the passenger list!”

 


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